No, No 649 Million Times - No, No, No!

Original column by Daniel Ruth, The Tampa Tribune

What He Wrote: "... thanks to that buffet-line of glad-handers ..."
Obscure Reference: A glad-hander is an individual who appears affable and approachable, is quick with a handshake, hugs a lot, gets too close and is generally over friendly in an irritating way. A 'buffet' is a meal serving system where patrons serve themselves. It is a popular method of feeding large numbers of people with minimal staff.

What He Wrote: "... the biggest collection of high-priced hookers since Eliot Spitzer last felt randy?"
Obscure Reference: A hooker is a colloquial term for prostitute. The term became popular during the American Civil War, among the Union troops of major general Joseph Hooker. 'Fighting Joe' set a very bad example for the conduct of generals and their staffs and subordinates. His headquarters in Falmouth, Virginia, was described as being a combination of a "bar-room and a brothel". Although there is no basis for the popular legend that the term is derived from his last name because of parties and a lack of military discipline at his headquarters, some versions of the legend claim that the band of prostitutes that followed his division were derisively referred to as "General Hooker's Army" or "Hooker's Brigade." Eliot Laurence Spitzer is an American lawyer and former politician of the Democrat Party. He served as Governor of New York from January 2007 until his resignation on March 17, 2008. According to published reports, investigators believe Spitzer paid up to $80,000 for prostitutes over a period of several years while he was Attorney General, and later as Governor. 'Randy' is British slang for sexual arousal and/or desiring sexual gratification.

What He Wrote: "... less due diligence than Al Pacino's Tony Montana eyeing a pile of cocaine ..."
Obscure Reference: Scarface is a 1983 film directed by Brian De Palma, and starring Al Pacino as Antonio "Tony" Montana. A loose remake of the 1932 gangster film of the same title, it tells the story of a fictional Cuban refugee, who comes to Florida in 1980 as a result of the Mariel Boatlift. Montana becomes a gangster against the backdrop of the 1980s cocaine boom. The film chronicles his rise to the top of Miami's criminal underworld and subsequent downfall in Greek tragedy fashion.

What He Wrote: "... the CSX cabana boys ..."
Obscure Reference: A cabana boy is a male attendant (boy in this sense) performing personal services to the guests of a hotel etc., operating from a nearby cabaña (American Spanish for cabin), notably on a beach. A pool boy performs the same duties at a swimming pool. When used in a derogatory manner, it implies 'other' services, usually unspecified, but sexual in nature, much like a 'paid escort'.

What He Wrote: "... two-thirds-billion-dollar stocking stuffer ..."
Obscure Reference: A Christmas stocking is an empty sock or sock-shaped bag that children hang on Christmas Eve so that Santa Claus can fill it with small toys, candy, coins, or other small gifts when he arrives. These small items are often referred to as stocking stuffers or stocking fillers. In some Christmas stories, the contents of the Christmas stocking are the only toys the child receives at Christmas from Santa Claus. Tradition in western culture dictates that a child who behaves badly during the year will receive only a piece of coal.

What He Wrote: "... CSX's legislative apparatchiks ..."
Obscure Reference: An 'apparatchik' is a Russian colloquial term for a full-time, professional functionary of the Communist Party or government. The term was usually associated with a specific mindset, attitude and appearance of the person; when used by "outsiders", it often bore derogatory connotations. Today this term is also used in contexts other than Soviet Union. For example, it is often used to describe people who cause bureaucratic bottlenecks in otherwise efficient organizations. In this sense, it is a mis-placed metaphor.

What He Wrote: "... the mother of all freebies ..."
Obscure Reference: 'Expect The Mother of All Battles' was Saddam Hussains reply to the threat of invasion by coalition forces during the first Gulf war. In reality when faced with large forces that had a superior technological adavantage his military reply was more akin to that of an elderly aunt with alzheimers. The phrase has found it's way into everyday use as a superlative modifier.

What He Wrote: "... little more than a Daddy Warbucks ..."
Obscure Reference: Lieutenant General Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks is a fictional character from the comic strip Little Orphan Annie. His age in the series is around 52. The derivation of Warbucks' name is from his making millions through munition sales in World War I. Since Warbucks got his wealth from selling to the government, this is also a mis-placed metaphor.

What He Wrote: "... the yard gnomes of the Legislature ..."
Obscure Reference: A gnome is a mythical creature characterized by its extremely small size and subterranean lifestyle. In the 1800's Germans made terracotta animals as decorations, and produced gnomes based on local myths as a way for people to enjoy the stories of the gnomes' willingness to help in the garden at night. The garden gnome quickly spread across Germany and into France and England, and wherever gardening was a serious hobby. Lawn and Garden gnomes have become a popular accessory in many gardens. They are often the target of pranks, known collectively as gnoming.

What He Wrote: "... air-kiss to CSX ..."
Obscure Reference: The air kiss is a social gesture whose meaning is basically the same as that of many forms of kissing. The air kiss is a pretence of kissing: the lips are pursed as if kissing, but without actually touching the other person's body. Air kisses are often associated with glamor models and celebrities: a tongue-in-cheek explanation is that unlike regular kisses, air kisses don't disturb their makeup.

What He Wrote: "... leaving the taxpayers on the hook ..."
Obscure Reference: On, or off - 'the hook' is an American colloquialism which refers to vaudeville performances. Particularly bad acts which were heckled by the audience were pulled offstage by a large, comical hook.

What He Wrote: "... Tallahassee's answer to a brass pole ..."
Obscure Reference: A brass pole is a fixture in a burlesque house or strip club, which allows the dancer support while doing erotic or enticing moves. It involves dancing sensually, although more recently artistic pole dancing is used in cabaret/circus and stage performance in a non-erotic environment. Pole dancing is also regarded by many as a performing art.

What He Wrote: "... obligate taxpayers to pick up the lion's share ..."
Obscure Reference: The Lion's Share is an expression that has come to mean the larger of two amounts, or more often, the largest of several amounts. The saying derives from one of Aesop's fables, where the term is actually defined as the whole amount. In the fable, a lion, fox, jackal and wolf go hunting, successfully killing a deer. It is divided into four parts with the lion taking the first quarter because he is king of the beasts, the second quarter because he is the arbiter of which animals get what portions of the deer, the third quarter because of his help in catching the deer, and the fourth quarter for his superior strength. Thus the lion takes all.

What He Wrote: "... more winks and nods than a Skull & Bones alumni reunion..."
Obscure Reference: A wink & a nond is the implication of either a) sarcasm (that is usually already overtly obvious) or b) a double entendre. Can be done just physically or both physically and verbally at the same time. The Order of Skull and Bones, is a secret society of Yale University upperclassmen. Skull and Bones is known for its extreme secrecy, and members will deny they belong, or even say the name. As with other Yale societies, the sharing of a personal history is the keystone of the senior year together in the tomb. Presidents G.H.W. Bush, G.W. Bush, and Senator John Kerry are reportedly members.

What He Wrote: "... like it was five-day-old roadkill..."
Obscure Reference: 'Roadkill' is a cruel example of Darwinism in action. The animals that are either slow to move, or weak, or previously injured, or otherwise stupid enough to just stand there are weeded out by speeding motorists, and those who survive crossing the roads live to breed offspring that are more likely to get out of the way when an SUV driver on a cellphone hits the gas pedal. Roadkill is comprised mostly of rodents, turtles, deer. The rest is composed of domestic animals bred for aesthetics. Five-day old would be smelly, indeed, at least in the Florida sun.

What He Wrote: "... political footsie-wootsie..."
Obscure Reference: "Playing footsie' is a practice in which people use their feet to play with each other's feet. This generally involves slipping their shoes off under a table and rubbing their bare feet and soles against one another or up their partner's leg. Footsies generally is used to flirt with sexual partners. "Playing footsies" can also mean that two people favor each other over others, such as in politics or other group activity in which people are not technically paired off. Doing so tends to give an unfair advantage to the two individuals over the rest of the group.