These Poor Souls Never Had a Prayer

Original column by Daniel Ruth, The Tampa Tribune

What He Wrote: "... theo-huckster Paula White, the Elmer Gantry of Givenchy ..."
Obscure Reference: Givenchy is a French brand of clothing, accessories, perfumes and cosmetics. Elmer Gantry is a satirical novel written by Sinclair Lewis in 1926 and published by Harcourt in March 1927. The novel tells the story of a young, narcissistic womanizing college athlete who, upon realizing the power, prestige, and easy money that being an evangelical preacher can bring, pursues his "religious" ambitions with relish, contributing to the downfall, even death, of key people around him as the years pass. A huckster is a seller of small articles, usually of cheap or shoddy quality, or one engaged in haggling or making petty bargains.

What He Wrote: "... unsuspecting flock of liturgical lemmings to the promised scam."
Obscure Reference: A Liturgy is the customary public worship done by a specific religious group. Lemmings are small rodents, usually found in or near the Arctic, in tundra biomes. Misconceptions about lemmings go back many centuries. While many people believe that lemmings commit mass suicide when they migrate, this is not the case. On occasion, large migrating groups will reach a cliff overlooking the ocean. They will stop until the urge to press on causes them to jump off the cliff and start swimming, sometimes to exhaustion and death.

What He Wrote: "... sort of the Perle Mesta of Proverbs ..."
Obscure Reference: Perle Skirvin Mesta was an American society figure, political hostess, and U.S. ambassador to Luxembourg. Mesta was known as the "hostess with the mostes [sic]" for her lavish parties featuring the brightest stars of Washington, D.C., society, including artists, entertainers and many top-level national political figures. Proverbs is a book of the Old Testament Bible.

What He Wrote: "... ex-husband Randy's "Without A Chance Of Getting Out With Your Wallet Intact" make-believe church."
Obscure Reference: Randy White founded the 'Without Walls' evangelical church in Tampa, Florida. Without Walls Church has a large number of financial assets.

What He Wrote: "... White and her Hole In The Gospel Gang ..."
Obscure Reference: Hole-in-the-Wall Gang, was the name given to a gang in the American Wild West, which took its name from the Hole-in-the-Wall Pass in Johnson County, Wyoming, where several outlaw gangs had their hideouts. This is a swipe at White's 'Without Walls' church.

What He Wrote: "... Buddy Rich-esque Bible Thumpers ..."
Obscure Reference: "Buddy" Rich ( 1917 – 1987) was an American jazz drummer and bandleader. Rich was billed as "the world's greatest drummer" and was known for his virtuoso technique, power, and speed. Bible Thumping is a technique used by evangelical preachers in particular, where the Holy Bible is held aloft and thumped with the hand for emphasis.

What He Wrote: "... pass the hat, pass the basket, pass the trough ..."
Obscure Reference: Passsing the hat, basket, or collection plate is a time-honored tradition in churches to receive donations of money to defray expenses.

What He Wrote: "... Elmer Fudd gazing into the barrel end of his shotgun."
Obscure Reference: Elmer J. Fudd is a fictional cartoon character and one of the most famous Looney Tunes characters. His aim is to shoot Bugs Bunny, but he usually ends up seriously injuring himself.

What He Wrote: "... White, the Mother Superior of Neiman Marcus."
Obscure Reference: 'Mother Superior is the title of nuns in a convent. Neiman Marcus is an upscale, specialty retail department store operated by the Neiman Marcus Group in the United States.

What He Wrote: "... Speaking in dungs."
Obscure Reference: 'Speaking in tongues' also known as Glossolalia ( is the vocalizing of fluent speech-like but unintelligible utterances, often as part of religious practice. Dung is animal feces for manure.

What He Wrote: "... seminary training consists of shopping at "Larry's House of Miters ..."
Obscure Reference: Mitre is the ceremonial headgear of Bishop in the Christian faiths. It may be pointed, or rounded, and is sometimes bejeweled. 'Larrys House of..." implies a discount-clearance house retail store. A Seminary is a college which emphasises divinity education, or training for the clergy.

What He Wrote: "... put on a cassock and self-anoint yourself a "bishop"..."
Obscure Reference: A cassock is a sleeveless, draping garment worn by Bishops of various faiths.

What He Wrote: "... Christianity's answer to Three Card Monte ..."
Obscure Reference: Three-card Monte, also known as the Follow the lady, or Follow the Bee is a confidence game in which the victim, or mark, is tricked into betting a sum of money that he can find the money card, for example the queen of spades, among three face-down playing cards. In its full form, the three-card Monte is an example of a classic short con in which the outside man pretends to conspire with the mark to cheat the inside man, while in fact conspiring with the inside man to cheat the mark.

What He Wrote: "... Paula White, the Joan of Armani ..."
Obscure Reference: Joan of Arc was a 15th century saint and national heroine of France. She led the French army to several important victories and led king Charles VII to his coronation. Armani is an Italian fashion company founded in Milan in 1975 by Giorgio Armani and Sergio Galeotti. The company designs and manufactures products in several categories including fashion accessories, apparel, cosmetics, fragrances, home interiors, jewelry, eyewear and watches under several labels.

What He Wrote: "... fellow used scruple salesman "Bishop" T.D. Jakes."
Obscure Reference: Thomas Dexter "T. D." Jakes Sr. is an American pastor of the The Potter's House, a 30,000 member church in Dallas, Texas. It is a primarily African-American non-denominational megachurch.